So it's been about 2 months since my last post...I kinda give up on trying to post a lot. I just post when I really feel I need to talk to someone but don't have that person available...
I feel like I am constantly changing how I feel about things, people, and just the world in general. Lately I've been just sitting here and reflecting on everything that has been going on in my life for the past month or two. And I feel like I've changed so much on the inside in such a small amount of time. I get distracted by so many things that really aren't a big deal or really haven't matter to me very much before. I really don't know if that is a good or bad thing.
Love: I find myself really really thinking about love, and what it really is. I hate to admit it but I'm deathly afraid that I will never find someone that truly makes me happy. I know I still have so much time, but I haven't really gotten a chance to figure out who is right for me and who isn't. I also know that sometimes I act like I just expect someone else to come and save me from all the work. I've had people tell me that since I have waited so longer to be in a relationship that once I am in one, it will work out very well and last a good stretch of time. But then there's everything else that just piles up and makes me think that since I have waited so long it means that I will never get that experience and I will grow old alone. I'm really trying my best to put those type of thoughts out of my mind and focus on the positive thoughts and things. There's so much more I could say but I would end up REALLY rambling.
Future Career: As some people know for most of my life I have wanted to be a musician/singer. But as I get older the dream just seems more and more unrealistic, I hate that I feel this way but I do. I try writing songs and they seem like they are going somewhere but then they just die off after I get to about 15 lines or less. I love singing, but I do know I am not the best. I want to get a vocal coach and eventually guitar lessons. Oh, and I want an acoustic guitar to learn on before my electric. But I know having the money and time for those things really isn't in the cards right now. I think I'll stick to writing and getting better at it.
I am also sort of interested in music production, I don't really have any experience with it, but I think it would be sort of fun and interesting. Music related but also techy.
I shall write more sometime soon.
I'm pretty tired right now though.
TO BE CONTINUED...
So...I've been thinking a lot. Like, A LOT!
But in a more content way than usual.
Nowadays I couldn't really care less what people think about me. The only person whose view of me I really care about is my own. I want to love myself, but not in the way that I am self centered. I want to be comfortable with myself. Over these last few months I've come to grips with who I am and I've begun to realize that I can be happy without making some things so complicated. I've learned that I just need to do what makes me happy. I have also learned who my real friends are and I love them to death and wouldn't have gotten this far without them. They're the people who have truly cared about and loved me for so long, unconditionally. I know that I am hard to deal with sometimes, but they do it.
Another thing I have been thinking about TONS is me not eating meat. I've been doing it for a year and four months now. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, but it is getting a lot harder. I would still like to do it, but I am almost completely unhappy eating meatless now. My food is just getting so boring and I miss meat so much. If I did start eating meat again I am sure that it would not be as often as I did before I quit, but I would still eat meat a few times a week.
One last thing that I have been thinking about more lately is what I want to do with my life after high school. I have always wanted to do something with music, but I'm just not sure I'd be able to make it. I don't want to be famous, heck, I'd be happy if 5 people that I'd never met before listened to my music and liked it. I also have no idea whether or not I will want to go to college. I don't really know what I would go for or whether or not I would be able to afford it.
Well, it's after 3 A.M. I do believe it is time for bed.
sigh, that felt good.
Okay so, I never post as much as I want to or say I am going to. This annoys the crap out of me.
I burned my hand at work, with steaming hot water, last week. For the first few days it was just reddish brown and hurt, but on Easter it started peeling, but one part also had an open sore. So everyday this week I have gone to the nurse so she could wrap it so it would not be exposed and get infected, she also urged me to go to the doctor to get a special ointment. So today I went to the doctor and he decided that it is a 2nd degree burn and he prescribed the special ointment. Hopefully it will be healed up in the next week and a half or so. It really hurts.
I also dyed m hair the other day, I freaking love the color, but I miss a few spots on the underneath. It was the first time I ever dyed my own hair, and my sister was half asleep when I asked her to check if I got everything before rinsing it out. Oh well, no big deal. I want to get a couple of inches cut off then re-dye it. I like having my hair a little shorter than it is now, I'm not all that into really long hair anymore...
Well I don't know what else to say right now, I just thought I would post a little bit.
This post shall be somewhat of a wordy one. Well, more wordy than the last couple were.
My new baby brother was born on February 15 at 7 P.M. He weighed 9lbs 1oz. I still have yet to see him. I am not able to go down to Illinois for spring break. But I might be going down there in April, so I will see him then!
I've started to realize how much I have changed since this time last year. The view I have of myself has changed quite a bit. I am way more comfortable with myself and I feel like I am a bit more mature. I've also started listening to more of a variety of music. I mean, I always have listened to a variety of music, but my choice of genres just keeps on expanding. The thoughts I have about my future are also expanding, I have finally accepted the fact that I probably will not be a musician. I'm sort of getting interested in studio recording as well as live recording, the producing part of it. I still want to learn how to play the guitar and piano though, and get better at singing.
My job has been going pretty well, I'm loving the money that I'm bringing in. I need to stop spending it all on online shopping though. I think I am going to wait until I get two more paychecks before I buy anything else. Then I can give my wardrobe the big refresher that it needs! I'm thinking of looking at thrift stores this time, not cause I'm cheap, but I like some of the pieces that you can find in places like that.
I got a new iPod last Wednesday! I was proud of myself because I bought it with my own money. It's a classic and I love it. I can't wait till we get the computer with my iTunes on it set up, I have at least 1,000 songs and like 20 podcasts that I could sync to my iPod. I also have a huge list of songs/albums/artists that I want to put on it, that I've been putting together since my old iPod died over the summer.
I wanna start painting more! I have a painting that I did after I got the paints from my friend in Illinois, but there is something missing from it and I still can't figure out what it is. Once I figure out what that one thing is, the painting should look great.
It's getting late, I should go.
Nighty! or...Good Morning!
The Grammys...there are too many things about it that pissed me off.
The one thing that REALLY made me mad was that on the part "In Memoriam" James "The Rev" Sullivan was not on it. They have no reason not to put him on there. He was a musician just as much as any of the other people on it.
No more talk about the Grammys on this post.
I really miss Illinois, more than I usually do. I always miss it, just way more today. I hate that I can't visit more often, and the fact that I might not be able to go visit for spring break this year. If that happens, my heart will be broken. I miss everyone there so much. But especially my bestestest buddy Lauren/Porridge/etc. It makes me so sad to be on facebook and see pictures and stuff of my old friends and realize that I am missing out on so much.
Well, I'll stop being depressing. Goodnight.
Okay, so the last time I posted I said I hoped I would post again soon, that obviously did not happen.
Anyways, it's a new year. So much has changed since the last time I posted. I have changed a bit mentally and physically.
I have gotten a job, dyed my hair a different red, learned more about myself, continued to not eat meat, eaten way too much pizza, and many more things. I have also learned how much I love flannel. Heheh, definitely had to add that one in.
I've also sort of become a bit of a hermit. More so than I already was anyways. All I ever do is go to school and work, then spend the rest of my time at home. I don't like the fact that this is true, but I don't have anything else to do except go to the store every once in a while. My friends are always busy or aren't able to hang out. And I don't have my license yet so it's not like I can just go for a drive sometimes, which I really wish I could. I love being out at night, and if I could drive I would just drive around for like an hour every night before curfew. It would help me wind down and relax a little before going to bed and stuff...
Okay, now that I'm done ranting about my lameness...
I want this year to be different than any other year. I want to grow up a bit, while still being fun and goofy but still being able to be serious when needed. I want to work harder to get what I want and work harder in school. I also want to be more comfortable with myself, that one I have already made some headway on.
Those are just a few things I want to work on, I can't think of any more at the moment.
Last year was so stressful and I really don't want this year to be that way, I want this year to be more fun a exciting but also less stressful. I haven't chosen a resolution because there are so many things that I want to become different.
That was a bit of a wordy post...But I'm done now. Gotta go to bed soon, I have to work at 11 in the morning. blah.
My birthday last Saturday was fun! My two South Dakota best friends came over and I opened my presents then we went to the movies and saw FAME. It was a really good movie. But one of my friends had to go home after the movie because her parents wanted to go out, so she had to babysit her siblings,(kinda lame I know). But she stayed to sing to me and brought some cake home for her and her siblings(who I kinda consider my own...) But I still had fun with my other friend. We ate pizza and Jell-o then rode around town i my mom's car for a while. Then we came home and watched Employee of the Month while I ate cake and chocolate pudding, she didn't want any cause she doesn't like eating at night... Then my sister came in and annoyed us for like 2 hours. And we finally got to go to sleep.
The next day we watched The Lizzie McGuire movie, hahah we're dorks. Then I decided I wanted to dye my hair again so we went to walmart and got some dye. Then we came home and I dyed my hair and we attempted to put streaks in hers, but it didn't really show up.
Last week was okay and people said I seemed happier...I still don't feel like I am 16. I went to a football game on Friday with my two friends, we had fun, but it was so cold and kinda rainy.
On Saturday I had to get up early(6:45 a.m.) and go to school to take the PLAN test. It's supposed to help us prepare for the ACT test. Blargh, it hurt my brain so much, and took 2 hours. I was so out of it when we first got there. For the rest of the day I just sat around and did nothing, I spent most of the day on the couch watching random shows on TV. I think I'm sick 'cause my throat was sore all day yesterday and my ears hurt and stuff. I feel even worse today. And I keep sneezing.
I have a ton of homework, and I haven't even started.
I have listened to Paramore's new album all the way through at least 20 times since I got it at midnight on Tuesday!
I'm gonna go take a shower then do my homework.
Hopefully I'll post again soon.
Today was a pretty good day. I got more hours of sleep last night than usual so I was feeling pretty energized for most of the day. But then I fell asleep in study hall for a few minutes. But I woke up and finished both of the worksheets I had for History. Which only left me to finish reading Ender’s Game by Friday. I just finished reading the second to last chapter a few minutes ago. It’s pretty intense.
My birthday is in like two days!(Saturday) I’m so excited! I’m gonna be 16. I’ve gotten 2 birthday cards so far. And my step-mom messaged me n Facebook telling me that they had sent off my present today. I should be getting it by Friday. I can’t wait to see what it is.
I still have yet to get my driver’s permit. (for those of you who don’t know, we can drive at 14 in South Dakota). I went to take my permit test like 2 months ago, but I only got 4/10 questions right. I still haven’t gone back to try again, and I can’t at all this week ‘cause my mom is working till 7 p.m. every night this week and the DMV closes at 5. I really wanted to get my permit before I turned 16. Sigh, oh well.
I’m really hungry...hm. hah.
Well, I guess I should go get ready for bed.
Man, I hate when I randomly stop posting for a few weeks...
So, a lot has happened since the last time I posted.
I got my hair cut! It used to be past my shoulders and cut straight across, but now it is layered and is barely shoulder length.
Homecoming was on Friday. I had a lot of fun. But the parade wasn't as exciting as last year. And we lost the homecoming game for the first time in like 10 years. It was sad. Then I went to the homecoming dance. I was only there for an hour though, cause the game went a little longer than everyone expected and I had to go home to change and stuff.
On Saturday I didn't get out of bed until 7 p.m. I was really mad at myself. Then I watched Dirty Dancing and ate bagel bites. Then watched Roseanne and went to bed at 3 a.m.
Yesterday was pretty lazy. I didn't do very much.
School was very tiring. I almost fell asleep in History and did in English. Sigh.
Well, I gotta go watch a rerun of Distortion 'cause I missed it last week.
I'm also watching the season premiere of House tonight. And I'm finally starting to watch the new season of Greek tonight.
I'm in so much pain. I feel like I am going to die. I guess it's a good thing I only live like 2 blocks from the hospital so I can get there fast if I really need to.
School started last Tuesday. It's been going pretty good. It's a bit tiring but that's nothing new. I've actually been finishing my homework, on time! But it probably won't last very long. For school laptops this year we have MacBooks. They're really different than PCs, but they don't take too long to get used to. In fact, I'm on mine right now. I'm so happy that the internet actually works on it. It didn't work on my laptop last year. It still only works in a certain part of my room, but it's the part where I spend most of my time.
I spent the night at one of my best friends' house last night. I was helping her babysit. We watched Sweet Home Alabama (love it) and Titanic (so sad). We had lots of fun, and ate almost a whole bag of Doritos, just the two of us.
I don't know what to write about, so I'm gonna try to fall asleep, if this pain will let me.